Express Checkout at Trader Joe’s





BALDING, clad in signature Hawaiian shirt and trying to smile through wrinkled years of Los Angeles rejection, carefully sweeps items across the checkout sensor. A line has formed. It grows longer still, as he sees COUGAR approach with a package of steaks, her Bluetooth-enabled ear ready for any important call that will inevitably come.


Ribeyes. Alright! Have you had these yet? They’re amazing!


Oh, are you kidding? I’m like, the master chef. Master of the grill. I cook all the time.


I bet you do… I bet you do. Those are gonna be good. What are you gonna cook them with?


The Actor, who is still waiting near the back of the line, does not hear the remainder of their stimulating conversation. He instead, thinks of ways to beat the two of them with their ribeyes.

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